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【社會心】非理性思想(59)--以「正能量」面對衝突

 

上兩期談到對於「正能量」的如何培養,我相信是可以的,並提出八個方法:

1、睡前寫下一天中發生的三件開心/感恩事;

2、經常表達感謝之情;

3、獎勵自己、為自己打氣;

4、建立正向的情緒;

5、幫助別人、行公益之事;

6、保持恆常的「群體運動」;

7、培養多元興趣;

8、暫時放下手機,專注「此時此刻」。

今期在預備期間,適逢友人在教會面對與執事之間的衝突。有一對熱心事奉多年的夫婦因為受到另一些執事的針對,累積近一年的衝突到了爆發點,突然公開發出辭去事奉職位的通知。這個突如其來的消息,使到會友都感到突然,也不知如何回應。心中想到教會內存著很大暗湧,好像火山的壓力不斷增加,快到了頂點。

「正能量」不是只在順景時候發揮,往往更是在逆境中看得更清楚,在困擾中更見「正能量」的作用。那對友人夫婦一向給人印象是溫柔敦厚,常見喜樂笑容,甚少流露怨憤,更未見過公開流淚。他在那份公開的短訊仍然與他的一貫作風相似,既表達了沉重的心情,也深信神有美好的時刻與帶領,內容沒有針對任何人,非常有風度,留有餘地。

從過往的相處印象中,這對夫婦一向樂於助人,非常積極投入教會各項活動,或是領導,或是閒角。他們樂於接待新人,常開放自己家舉行 potluck 聚會。他們在弟兄姊妹中的良好形象是無可置疑。

退一步觀察,何以這對既積極投入,又受眾教友歡迎的夫婦,卻會被某些執事針對,似乎是有目標而發?究竟這次是教會衝突單一個別事件,還是冰山之尖,尚有更大事情爆發?

當中另一耐人尋味的是,牧師的角色與行動,他有沒有介入調解是次事件,促進溝通,消除誤會?若果有,何以仍然會火山爆發?是救火無效,還是積怨太深?又或是對方有目的地要令至此對夫婦憤然退出,不理會牧師介入?當中是否有甚麼誤會?

聖經不是教我們:「若有人偶然被過犯所勝,你們屬靈的人,就當用溫柔的心把他挽回過來。」(《加》6:1)何以雙方都似乎未能做到?難道是誤會太深?牧師或教會中沒有德高望重的人出來調停?抑或是有意容讓此衝突繼續發酵(執事會某些人的挑剔),以至無法挽回?

但從這次「辭職事件」所帶來的漣漪效應,已看到有些會友漸少參與,改去別間教會聚會。事件已經反映教會內的和諧已受到破損。每個人因著衝突或不滿的離去,都是有著傷痕而去。如何把創傷減至最低,軟著陸?今次此對夫婦的應對方式可作參照。

聖經教我們:「先去掉自己眼中的樑木,然後才能看得清楚,去掉你弟兄眼中的刺。」(太7:5)首先,不是去批評,而是先自省。那位弟兄曾經自己回顧過去事奉,都是做足預備功夫,也有清楚紀錄,多年來都沒有受到批評,只有讚賞鼓勵。而就近期的批評,也是抱著開放,公開傾談的態度,願意與那些有意見的執事傾談。結果只是暫時停止,在下次會議中又重提舊事,又引來另一次的解釋。

由於他們的批評不單只是對這弟兄,更廣及有份參與的其他人,而且批評用字更是帶有侮辱成份。這弟兄體會到如此「非理性」的討論,已經難以「彼此同心服侍」,他向牧師表達事態嚴重,要求牧師介入,豈料牧師竟然認為沒有做成「侮辱」,難以要求對方修正。結果,此弟兄終於作出辭職決定。

其實,此弟兄也並非一開始即考慮離職,而是只退下來不作主席,並邀請另一位弟兄負責,可以減少直接衝突。可見他的決定並非一時衝動,而是有過冷靜思考。「正能量」是以客觀理性角度看事物,而非衝動、主觀、急躁。

此外,他仍然盡可能保持溝通,在教會遇到對方也會主動打招呼,釋出善意,而非冷眼漠視或是轉身而去。只是對方冷淡回應,溝通不起來。保持開放積極態度,是「正能量」的常有姿態。

Social 1這弟兄體會到在得不到牧師的支援下難以再有轉彎餘地,不想再在這沒有鼓勵的環境下事奉,他為了傷痛去止血,選擇退下。「正能量」的人不是沒有困難逆境,而是在逆境中如何以積極心態去回應。

他知道,此時此刻是要避免爭吵下去,減少傷痛漫延。他也明白,自己辭職可能會帶來一些漣漪效應,然而他仍然鼓勵其他會友繼續積極參與教會,也不要衝動地做出決定,多些冷靜時間讓事情降溫。

我看到,充滿「正能量」的人,即使在傷痛之中,仍然可以從正面角度看事情,而非激動回應(因這會容易是衝動失理智),更不會把對方視作仇人、敵人,而只是意見不同,未能共事,再見仍然可以傾談。我看到,「正能量」強的人,會充滿親和力,可以化干戈為玉帛,也可叫自己心境平安。

這弟兄處理教會衝突的態度,從外人看他是受害者,他卻不以受害者身份而發出指控,或把執事會內部衝突公開。他也不追求人間公義,要求還他清白;深信主在看顧,伸冤在祂。他也明白,「定罪人人會,寬恕不易為」的道理,能夠不去據理力爭,選擇退下遠離紛爭。我看到,他的心靈舒坦,無怨無恨,曾經一刻感到不憤,隔宿淚乾不再留痕。「正能量」,不是掛在咀邊的金句,而是可以身體力行。

Social 2「人應當以我們為基督的執事,為神奧秘事的管家。所求於管家的,是要他有忠心。......所以時候未到,甚麼都不要論斷,只等主來,祂要照出暗中的隱情,顯明人心的意念。那時各人要從神那裡得著稱讚。」(林前4:5)

 

 

 

喜樂 Joy

喜樂的心乃是良藥;憂傷的靈使骨枯乾。箴言 17:22
A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. Proverbs 17:22

然而,我要因耶和華歡欣,因救我的 神喜樂。哈巴谷書 3:18
yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. Habakkuk 3:18

要常常喜樂,不住的禱告,凡事謝恩。帖撒羅尼迦前書 5:16-17
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-17

饒恕 Forgiveness

主啊,你本為良善,樂意饒恕人,有豐盛的慈愛賜給凡求告你的人。詩篇 86:5
You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call to you. Psalm 86:5

你不要說:“我要以惡報惡”;要等候耶和華,他必拯救你。箴言 20:22
Do not say, “I’ll pay you back for this wrong!” Wait for the LORD, and he will avenge you. Proverbs 6:14

你們饒恕人的過犯,你們的天父也必饒恕你們的過犯;馬太福音 6:14
For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Matthew 6:14

你們不饒恕人的過犯,你們的天父也必不饒恕你們的過犯。馬太福音 6:15
But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:15

你們各人若不從心裡饒恕你的弟兄,我天父也要這樣待你們了。馬太福音 18:35
This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart. Matthew 18:35

謙卑 Humility

敬畏耶和華是智慧的訓誨;尊榮以前,必有謙卑。箴言 15:33
Wisdom’s instruction is to fear the LORD, and humility comes before honor. Proverbs 15:33

敬畏耶和華心存謙卑,就得富有、尊榮、生命為賞賜。箴言 22:4
Humility is the fear of the LORD; its wages are riches and honor and life. Proverbs 22:4

凡事不可結黨,不可貪圖虛浮的榮耀;只要存心謙卑,各人看別人比自己強。腓立比書 2:3
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. Philippians 2:3

但他賜更多的恩典,所以經上說:神阻擋驕傲的人,賜恩給謙卑的人。雅各書 4:6
But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” James 4:6

驕傲 Pride

驕傲來,羞恥也來;謙遜人卻有智慧。箴言 11:2
When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. Proverbs 11:2

驕傲只啟爭競;聽勸言的,卻有智慧。箴言 13:10
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. Proverbs 13:10

驕傲在敗壞以先;狂心在跌倒之前。箴言 16:18
Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. Proverbs 16:18

但他賜更多的恩典,所以經上說:神阻擋驕傲的人,賜恩給謙卑的人。雅各書 4:6
But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” James 4:6

忍耐 Patience

愚妄人怒氣全發;智慧人忍氣含怒。箴言 29:11
Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. Proverbs 29:11

並且你們要為我的名,被眾人恨惡,惟有忍耐到底的,必然得救。馬可福音 13:13
Everyone will hate you because of me, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved. Mark 13:13

不但如此,就是在患難中也是歡歡喜喜的。因為知道患難生忍耐。羅馬書 5:3
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance. Romans 5:3

我們行善,不可喪志;若不灰心,到了時候就要收成加拉太書 6:9
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9

你們也當忍耐,堅固你們的心,因為主來的日子近了。雅各書 5:8
You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near. James 5:8

溫柔 Meekness

回答柔和,使怒消退;言語暴戾,觸動怒氣。箴言 15:1
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

溫柔的人有福了,因為他們必承受地土。馬太福音 5:5
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Matthew 5:5

用溫柔勸戒那抵擋的人;或者 神給他們悔改的心,可以明白真道。提摩太後書 2:25
Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth. 2 Timothy 2:25

只要以裡面存著長久溫柔、安靜的心為妝飾;這在 神面前是極寶貴的。彼得前書 3:4
Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 1 Peter 3:4

嫉妒 Envy

不要為作惡的心懷不平,也不要向那行不義的生出嫉妒。詩篇 37:1
Do not fret because of those who are evil or be envious of those who do wrong. Psalm 37:1

心中安靜是肉體的生命;嫉妒是骨中的朽爛。箴言 14:30
A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones. Proverbs 14:30

在何處有嫉妒、紛爭,就在何處有擾亂和各樣的壞事。雅各書 3:16
For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. James 3:16

生氣 Anger

當止住怒氣,離棄忿怒;不要心懷不平,以致作惡。詩篇 37:8
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil. Psalm 37:8

好生氣的人,不可與他結交;暴怒的人,不可與他來往。箴言 22:24
Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered. Proverbs 22:24

愚妄人怒氣全發;智慧人忍氣含怒。箴言 29:11
Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. Proverbs 29:11

生氣卻不要犯罪.不可含怒到日落。以弗所書 4:26
In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. Ephesians 4:26

我親愛的弟兄們,這是你們所知道的,但你們各人要快快的聽,慢慢的說,慢慢的動怒,因為人的怒氣並不成就 神的義。雅各書 1:19,20
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. James 1:19,20

災難 Calamity

謹守口與舌的、就保守自己免受災難。箴言 21:23
Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity. Proverbs 21:23

民要攻打民、國要攻打國、多處必有地震、饑荒.這都是災難的起頭。馬可福音 13:8
Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be earthquakes in various places, and famines. These are the beginning of birth pains. Mark 13:8

憂愁 Worry

你們不要憂愁、因靠耶和華而得的喜樂是你們的力量。尼希米記 8:10
Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength. Nehemiah 8:10

主雖使人憂愁, 還要照他諸般的慈愛發憐憫。耶利米哀歌 3:32
Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. Lamentations 3:32

凡勞苦擔重擔的人,可以到我這裡來,我就使你們得安息。馬太福音 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

我留下平安給你們、我將我的平安賜給你們.我所賜的、不像世人所賜的.你們心裏不要憂愁、也不要膽怯。約翰福音 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27

應當一無掛慮,只要凡事藉著禱告、祈求和感謝,將你們所要的告訴神。神所賜出人意外的平安,必在基督耶穌裡,保守你們的心懷意念。腓立比書 4:6,7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6,7

因此, 你們是大有喜樂, 但如今, 在百般的試煉中暫時憂愁。彼得前書 1:6
In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 1 Peter 1:6

患難 Trouble, Suffering

義人多有苦難,但耶和華救他脫離這一切。詩篇 34:19
The righteous person may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all. Psalm 34:19

神是我們的避難所,是我們的力量,是我們在患難中隨時的幫助!詩篇 46:1
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

耶和華本為善,在患難的日子為人的保障,並且認得那些投靠他的人。那鴻書 1:7
The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him. Nahum 1:7

為義受逼迫的人有福了,因為天國是他們的。馬太福音 5:10
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 5:10

不但如此,就是在患難中,也是歡歡喜喜的。因為知道患難生忍耐。羅馬書 5:3
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; Romans 5:3

我想現在的苦楚,若比將來要顯於我們的榮耀,就不足介意了。羅馬書 8:18
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. Romans 8:18

因為你們蒙恩,不但得以信服基督,並要為他受苦。腓立比書 1:29
For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him. Philippians 1:29

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